This morning as I was doing my quite time something kept "weighing" on my heart. I saying weighing that way because it's my, well....weight.
It's no secrete that I've got a serious weight problem. You can look at me and tell this right away.
Food is amazing. It's a comfort. It's a steady thing that some times lets me only down because the taste might not be as amazing as I thought it was or there may not be enough of it. But one thing is certain, it's always there and always available.
I've noticed; being from a Baptist community (that I love by the way)...food is a staple for us. Someone gives birth-we take food. Someone gets saved-we fellowship. Yes, fellowship means visiting with your brother and sisters in Christ, however, say it around a group of Baptist and we all want to know who is bringing what & ask for Sister Sally to bring that pie she makes and Brother Bob to make that pasta. Fellowship means food sharing while we are visiting! Meanwhile, someone passes away, we start the phone tree to take food. Someones in the hospital...we sign up to take a meal. A wedding...there will be cake! Two cakes actually! A wedding also means a wedding shower-so triple cake. Oh yeah, someone gave birth up there earlier...we will most definitely be having baby shower cake prior to that baby getting here.
Now, I am not in any way blaming my weight on my church or the way I was brought up. Some of the best times of my life were over those times mentioned above. Also, it is a wonderful blessing to be able to provide meals for families when they are in need. My thoughts with this...is that I may unintentionally be an emotional eater and not even realize it because food was used for all emotions as I grew up and still used to this day.
So, speaking of blame...there is no one or no one thing left for me to blame for this problem but myself. I've said it...there...I take 100% responsibility for this problem I have in my life.
Over the past six years I've gained 120 lbs and at my heaviest I was 276lbs-I have lost 76lbs, and as of today of that 76 I've gained back 34lbs. So essentially I'm two people, not really proud of that and you can do the math to figure out what the current numbers are. Maybe I've been in denial for so long that I've just over looked the fact that I have to wear dresses all the time now because they are the only thing that will fit me some what properly. I do have a health problem that I've blamed for the past six years as to being the reason for weight gain but if we are being honest here, it's not the issue and the health problem would most likely decrease if I took better care of myself.
Since I've taken the full blame for this, let me tell you what I do have:
Zero Will Power
Zero Self Control
Zero Discipline
Smidgen of motivation
100% Faith
In order to over come any hardship in life you have to give it over to God, especially when you know going in that you have no will power, self control, discipline and only a small amount of motivation-you've got to lay that burden down and realize, you cannot do it alone! That's where the faith comes in to play at.
I'm scared to make all of this public because each and every time I do, failure awaits me. I say that it is not going to happen and it does. But this morning, I looked at it in a way that I'm going to lose my life and everything important in it if I don't get this right. I'm missing out on adventures and fun things-not because I'm sitting aside letting them pass me by but because of my weight and because I'm physically out of shape that I cannot do the things I did at one time.
As I prayed this morning, I started to say to God, "I'm not sure I need to make this public because I fai....." Then I stopped myself! Where was my faith? I had just asked Him to help me overcome this HUGE (literally) problem and already I'm going in with a thought and attitude that I could fail, well, guess what...I can and WILL fail if I attempt to do this on my own again. So, I'm not doing it! We, God and I, will not fail! I've already thanked Him for helping me overcome this and will continue to thank Him.
Seeing as I've realized there is a problem and I'm reason to blame for the problem then I'm getting some where, right? My therapist friends I'd like your views on this?
I'll try to keep this journey as public as possible and know there will be times when it will very hard and a bit much-but I want to keep going. I HAVE to keep going this time. I will most likely post every day about this and you can read or not-that's your choice. My goal is to become a healthier version of myself. Notice I didn't say "happier" because over all...I'm happy. I think that's why I'm so ready to dive in to this goal, my mind set is finally right so the feeling is there that I'm ready.
I'm doing the Proverbs 31 Challenge this month and seeing as today is July 12, that puts me on Proverbs 12, the very first verse says: Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge. Look at that!!! Right there, already, getting more and more motivation to be disciplined. Something tells me that in in this journey, I'm going to hate that word during the process but come to love it in the end.
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