I Am Judas' Kiss

Did I hear what I think I heard?

Recently, I heard someone-who I hold to the highest of standards and who has done an exceptional job at keeping those standards held-say something that out right floored me. I had to stop and collect myself. To be honest I'm still trying to collect myself...That was earlier in the week, fast forward to three days later and it's still replaying like a broken record and the same sicking twist STILL comes to my stomach.

Perhaps God allows those that we hold to such a high stander fall sometimes. Maybe He lets those people be tested to remind us they are just that...people... merely humans and not the idols that we set on a high pedestal. Humans fail from time to time and we often say things out of pure anger that we wish we could fit back into that toothpaste tube. This week, my own feelings were hurt by those words that were not even for me but for the general population that I am in. 

I've found myself asking:

Is that what they really think about us? 

Is this who this person really is? 

Do they really have these thoughts that are so hurtful? 

Do they really think the feelings that my general population have are just "drama"  instead of actual feelings?

 Or are they merely just ignorant in regards to what they said?

Take focus off them and put on myself as I often like to do...and was reminded of:

 Luke 8:17

There is nothing hidden that won't be revealed, and there is nothing secret that won't become known and come to light. 

Naturally, I began to think of my own life and areas that I keep hidden from the world. 

Ugh oh.

Crap.

Please do not "out" me if you know of these "areas" ....I'm trying to hide here!

That ugliness....that is deep inside me...that if anyone knew about...I'd cringe and then die from that cringing. 

There is never a reason for us not to be our true BEST selves-times might call for different versions of who we are to be brought out but there should never be a time when we say or do something in private or in a situation with others that we would be embarrassed by if someone found out. 

We often try to "hide" that worst version of ourselves in the darkness and only let that version come out when we are in certain situations-but how many of those times can we honestly say that we would be 100%  comfortable with everyone on our friends list on Facebook or all of our followers on Twitter finding out about? What if our co-workers knew? (Mine know the worst version of me...I think they are still confused by me.) 

Heavens to Bessie if the congregation knew Sunday morning what we had been doing Saturday night...often hours prior to service (I lived that life for several years about 8 years ago...the church never burned down...and no, I am not proud of that person I was.)

I can't think of a single time that when I was that worst version of myself that I would want anyone to know about it. Sadly there are many out there who have seen that "worst version" of me-some have chosen to love me still (Thank you God for those amazing people!) and others have judged me based on those poor actions and have refused to give me a second chance-which is fine too. 

This all leads me to my final thought: Even when we are at our worst, God still loves us anyway! 

I have been in a battle of the mind and heart for the past few months over who I am on the inside. The words of Sidewalk Prophets "You Loved Me Anyway" say:

I am a thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway

See now, I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with the smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

Every time the bridge comes and he says "I am Juda's kiss, but you loved me anyway...so ashamed of my life..." I am moved to tears because I know that no matter what my wrong doing is, God is out there loving me, despite of the anger I have in my heart, even though I feel the joy is gone and replaced by bitterness, God loves me anyway. 

This does not give me a right or freedom to do as I please but it gives me a conviction to know and do better than what I've been doing. 

As children of God, our secret life needs to be the same as our public life, what we do behind closed doors and darkest of nights need to be the actions that we are proud to stand beside during the brightest of days and claim as ours. In the end those actions are going to be what we will have to stand by when we face His grace. 

Thanks for reading! 

~Nikki~