I've Got Nothing But a Problem & Faith

This morning as I was doing my quite time something kept "weighing" on my heart. I saying weighing that way because it's my, well....weight.

It's no secrete that I've got a serious weight problem. You can look at me and tell this right away.

Food is amazing. It's a comfort. It's a steady thing that some times lets me only down because the taste might not be as amazing as I thought it was or there may not be enough of it. But one thing is certain, it's always there and always available.

I've noticed; being from a Baptist community (that I love by the way)...food is a staple for us. Someone gives birth-we take food. Someone gets saved-we fellowship. Yes, fellowship means visiting with your brother and sisters in Christ, however, say it around a group of Baptist and we all want to know who is bringing what & ask for Sister Sally to bring that pie she makes and Brother Bob to make that pasta. Fellowship means food sharing while we are visiting! Meanwhile, someone passes away, we start the phone tree to take food. Someones in the hospital...we sign up to take a meal. A wedding...there will be cake! Two cakes actually! A wedding also means a wedding shower-so triple cake. Oh yeah, someone gave birth up there earlier...we will most definitely be having baby shower cake prior to that baby getting here.

Now, I am not in any way blaming my weight on my church or the way I was brought up. Some of the best times of my life were over those times mentioned above. Also, it is a wonderful blessing to be able to provide meals for families when they are in need. My thoughts with this...is that I may unintentionally be an emotional eater and not even realize it because food was used for all emotions as I grew up and still used to this day.

So, speaking of blame...there is no one or no one thing left for me to blame for this problem but myself.  I've said it...there...I take 100% responsibility for this problem I  have in my life.

Over the past six years I've gained 120 lbs and at my heaviest I was 276lbs-I have lost 76lbs, and as of today of that 76 I've gained back 34lbs.  So essentially I'm two people, not really proud of that and you can do the math to figure out what the current numbers are. Maybe I've been in denial for so long that I've just over looked the fact that I have to wear dresses all the time now because they are the only thing that will fit me some what properly. I do have a health problem that I've blamed for the past six years as to being the reason for weight gain but if we are being honest here, it's not the issue and the health problem would most likely decrease if I took better care of myself.

Since I've taken the full blame for this, let me tell you what I do have:
Zero Will Power
Zero Self Control
Zero Discipline
Smidgen of motivation
100% Faith

In order to over come any hardship in life you have to give it over to God, especially when you know going in that you have no will power, self control, discipline and only a small amount of motivation-you've got to lay that burden down and realize, you cannot do it alone! That's where the faith comes in to play at.

I'm scared to make all of this public because each and every time I do, failure awaits me. I say that it is not going to happen and it does. But this morning, I looked at it in a way that I'm going to lose my life and everything important in it if I don't get this right. I'm missing out on adventures and fun things-not because I'm sitting aside letting them pass me by but because of my weight and because I'm physically out of shape that I cannot do the things I did at one time.

As I prayed this morning, I started to say to God, "I'm not sure I need to make this public because I fai....." Then I stopped myself! Where was my faith? I had just asked Him to help me overcome this HUGE (literally) problem and already I'm going in with a thought and attitude that I could fail, well, guess what...I can and WILL fail if I attempt to do this on my own again. So, I'm not doing it! We, God and I, will not fail! I've already thanked Him for helping me overcome this and will continue to thank Him.

Seeing as I've realized there is a problem and I'm reason to blame for the problem then I'm getting some where, right? My therapist friends I'd like your views on this?

I'll try to keep this journey as public as possible and know there will be times when it will very hard and a bit much-but I want to keep going. I HAVE to keep going this time. I will most likely post every day about this and you can read or not-that's your choice. My goal is to become a healthier version of myself. Notice I didn't say "happier" because over all...I'm happy. I think that's why I'm so ready to dive in to this goal, my mind set is finally right so the feeling is there that I'm ready.

I'm doing the Proverbs 31 Challenge this month and seeing as today is July 12, that puts me on Proverbs 12, the very first verse says: Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge. Look at that!!! Right there, already, getting more and more motivation to be disciplined. Something tells me that in in this journey, I'm going to hate that word during the process but come to love it in the end.

I Am Judas' Kiss

Did I hear what I think I heard?

Recently, I heard someone-who I hold to the highest of standards and who has done an exceptional job at keeping those standards held-say something that out right floored me. I had to stop and collect myself. To be honest I'm still trying to collect myself...That was earlier in the week, fast forward to three days later and it's still replaying like a broken record and the same sicking twist STILL comes to my stomach.

Perhaps God allows those that we hold to such a high stander fall sometimes. Maybe He lets those people be tested to remind us they are just that...people... merely humans and not the idols that we set on a high pedestal. Humans fail from time to time and we often say things out of pure anger that we wish we could fit back into that toothpaste tube. This week, my own feelings were hurt by those words that were not even for me but for the general population that I am in. 

I've found myself asking:

Is that what they really think about us? 

Is this who this person really is? 

Do they really have these thoughts that are so hurtful? 

Do they really think the feelings that my general population have are just "drama"  instead of actual feelings?

 Or are they merely just ignorant in regards to what they said?

Take focus off them and put on myself as I often like to do...and was reminded of:

 Luke 8:17

There is nothing hidden that won't be revealed, and there is nothing secret that won't become known and come to light. 

Naturally, I began to think of my own life and areas that I keep hidden from the world. 

Ugh oh.

Crap.

Please do not "out" me if you know of these "areas" ....I'm trying to hide here!

That ugliness....that is deep inside me...that if anyone knew about...I'd cringe and then die from that cringing. 

There is never a reason for us not to be our true BEST selves-times might call for different versions of who we are to be brought out but there should never be a time when we say or do something in private or in a situation with others that we would be embarrassed by if someone found out. 

We often try to "hide" that worst version of ourselves in the darkness and only let that version come out when we are in certain situations-but how many of those times can we honestly say that we would be 100%  comfortable with everyone on our friends list on Facebook or all of our followers on Twitter finding out about? What if our co-workers knew? (Mine know the worst version of me...I think they are still confused by me.) 

Heavens to Bessie if the congregation knew Sunday morning what we had been doing Saturday night...often hours prior to service (I lived that life for several years about 8 years ago...the church never burned down...and no, I am not proud of that person I was.)

I can't think of a single time that when I was that worst version of myself that I would want anyone to know about it. Sadly there are many out there who have seen that "worst version" of me-some have chosen to love me still (Thank you God for those amazing people!) and others have judged me based on those poor actions and have refused to give me a second chance-which is fine too. 

This all leads me to my final thought: Even when we are at our worst, God still loves us anyway! 

I have been in a battle of the mind and heart for the past few months over who I am on the inside. The words of Sidewalk Prophets "You Loved Me Anyway" say:

I am a thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway

See now, I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with the smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

Every time the bridge comes and he says "I am Juda's kiss, but you loved me anyway...so ashamed of my life..." I am moved to tears because I know that no matter what my wrong doing is, God is out there loving me, despite of the anger I have in my heart, even though I feel the joy is gone and replaced by bitterness, God loves me anyway. 

This does not give me a right or freedom to do as I please but it gives me a conviction to know and do better than what I've been doing. 

As children of God, our secret life needs to be the same as our public life, what we do behind closed doors and darkest of nights need to be the actions that we are proud to stand beside during the brightest of days and claim as ours. In the end those actions are going to be what we will have to stand by when we face His grace. 

Thanks for reading! 

~Nikki~